9-24-11 Mean People

I have been a surrogate twice if you haven't heard. Both times the families have made me feel like I have done something terribly wrong. A shame really. It is awful for someone to use another for some sort of gain. I am not stupid. I have feelings. I really detest liars and hypocrites! Don't tell me you are my friend and then not contact me for weeks. Don't say I can see the baby whenever I want to if you don't mean it. Not that I am particularly upset about the baby, I miss having the care and concern of my "friends". I have had a baby so I know how busy, or rather not, that it is. I did it by myself, my daughter had only me and occaisionally "gramma". I always had time to see my friends. I made time for the people who are special to me. The message though has been received loud and clear! I had a baby for you and I don't matter now that she is born. Count yourself lucky that you have a baby at all now because Karma is not a force you should try to reckon with! Just sayin'....

7-26-11 Hurt Feelings...

The worst feeling in the world is that you are no longer important. Whether it is 9 months later or 19 years, it still hurts like you are dying!

7-22-11 Keep the hand busy and the mind will follow (hopefully)

I have been crocheting and knitting since having the baby on June 19. I have had a hard time all my life with depression and the delivery just put everything so over the top. It would have spilt over anyway, even if I wasn't pregnant. I know now that it wasn't just postpartum depression, though I had all the signs. My regular clinical depression overshadowed everything and I just happen to get sick after delivery: shakes, chills, food aversion, diarrhea, insomnia, crying, and probably some that I have forgotten in the 1 month since delivery. I put it all here because maybe it can help someone else. Though recommended that I not be a surrogate again, I can't help but disagree, surrogacy being something unique that I can do and others can't among other reasons.

So, back to the knitting and crocheting...there is a very talented woman named Christina whose patterns I purchased on Etsy.com and whose store name is "Affordable Wonders". Her patterns are the ones I used to make the items in the photos here. The exception is the "Army cap" and that is my own design that I "MacGuyvered" : ) I have also made other caps, wash cloths, and a blanket too. Hoping that if I kept my hands busy, my mind would be distracted from all of the negative self talk that has become automatic for so long.

Cognitive therapy is what I am doing now. It is different from all the past therapies in that I am learning that I can talk back to my negative self talk and that I can learn to be positive and that exercise is crucial to my getting better (though I still feel guilty about not doing it every day). Dr. A. says that walking 3 times a week is great.

7-5-11 So many tears

I had baby Dylan on June 19. It was a pretty fast labor and delivery. Only about 5 pushes and a great epidural. One thing that I have learned in the days/weeks since is that you can't plan everything. Even the best made plans are sometimes not enough. I knew I would have post partum depression. I have clinical depression that was reaching it's height before I even got pregnant! This was terrible. I would have done better with someone to stay with me for at least a week (2 would have been better).
The 2nd day after delivery I came home. I cried off and on that day while we were getting discharged. I had used up a whole box of Puff Plus in 2 days and was well into the second box. I came home and cried. I couldn't do much else. Brianna took me to get my prescriptions filled and I had to wear my sunglasses inside. My eyes were a mess! I had the shakes. Then I would get the chills. I had diarrhea for 14 days straight. I still have no appetite. I can drink things but that is about it. The thought of eating makes me sick. I had lost 30 lbs in 9 days and since then in the past 7 I have lost 6 more. I have decided not to complain about the loss of appetite anymore because it is a welcome change from eating my feelings.
I still cry almost daily. Who knows what will set me off. I am having anxiety now too about going back to work. That can't be good. I don't know if my depression is causing me to hate my job or if it is something else. The negative talk that I am really good at, has done too much damage and now I have to learn how to think rationally and positively. I am reading a cognitive therapy book called "The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. It makes a lot of sense though it reads like a textbook sometimes. My new therapist recommended it. I just have to put it all into practice in the 4 weeks I have left of FMLA. Only 6 weeks is allowed if you don't have a baby to bond with!
There are no maternal feelings towards the baby. I am just so incredibly lonely! That is the difficult thing to change. I don't have much to do right now and work nights when I go back. Most of my "friends" have their own families and babies and not a lot of time left over for me. My therapist is saying I should be in a relationship. I just can't imagine it right now! I have so much work to do it seems to get myself back mentally and physically. I don't think it is a fair burden to ask someone else to take on right now.
Knitting and crochet is helping a bit. I have found/purchased some really cute patterns on etsy.com. I am just about finished with a Mickey mouse set for a baby boy. I have made another long tail hat too and still need to finish a blanket and another earflap hat for the same baby. I have even worked a little on a project for me. I call it a pinafore or apron as it is meant to be worn over a t-shirt and looks like an apron to me. Should be really cute when finished in purples. I may have to rip some of it out but I am sure the end product will be super cute. I am going to make more of an effort to get some things made and put them on Etsy for sale. Hopefully I can make some money on something else I am good at. It has been recommended no more surrogacies for me. I am hesitant to commit to that....

2-14-11 22 weeks and Kankles

I went to my brother's birthday dinner tonight. When I got home, what a not so pleasant surprise, kankles. Even though I have had them up for several hours, they are still big and puffy. Guess that I am going to have to invest in compression socks!
Baby Miller is a girl named Dylan. I am not sure if I have mentioned that before. She is really starting to move around (that I can feel now) and sometimes (2 times) I have felt her move high up in my abdomen. She had previously been felt only in the lower section that stays pretty well hidden (I am a "fat" pregnant lady). Her mom gets even more excited by the day which is sometimes hard to believe that she can get any more excited : )
Our third visit to the perinatologist was great. She passed her cardiology study with flying colors and we were reassured about the chorioangioma (only 1" x 1") and fluid levels which were just the right level. We will have one more appointment in March to check both again and make sure she is still growing at the same rate (2 ounces over the norm). She should be a pound now.
Well, back to the elevation of ankles and crochet (a mermaid for Lily)....

1-29-11

Baby Dylan is doing great! We are 19 and 5/7 weeks. Dr. N. says not to worry about the choriohemangioma or the low lying placenta. At this stage the low lying placenta is normal and should move up in time by 36 weeks. The choriohemangioma she says is pretty normal and most are not problematic. The perinatologist had us worked up for nothing really! Yet another thing to be angry about.
I gained 5 lbs since last month too : ( I am not sure how except I am not exercising like I probably should. I have been eating lots of fresh fruit and veggies and not much candy or soda at all. Maybe it is all baby? Nah, I couldn't have that kind of luck.
The sewing bug has bitten me but I have no place to set up the machine. I thought that taking the Wellbutrin would help with a little motivation to make the apartment not look like an episode of "future hoarders". It so has not helped in that respect. There are some cute baby patterns that I want to cut out and sew for Calleigh and Dylan but first things first.....clear off the dang table!
Two pair of booties have been knit (one is waiting for cute black buttons). A sweater is on the needles right now, and a blanket being crocheted in progress. Though the blanket is turning out to be more of an autumn or winter item. I may just put it on the Etsy site. I really need to get some things finished and on the site so that I may earn a little extra income. Money is scarce.
Until next update...

1-3-11 Sixteen Weeks and counting...

I am sorry that I have not written. I meant to but never got the computer time I guess.
Auntie Jenn is 16 weeks prego today. The transfer took on the first time and it is amazing. Everyone is so nice in their family! I am starting to show already. Probably since I am no first timer at this "cooking" business : ). I had to buy new bras about 2 months ago and nearly cried from the size I had to buy! I have ordered new scrub pants as mine are now just too snug around the middle. My maternity scrub tops are amazing and most of my others were baggy to begin with so they will definitely last longer than the pants. My "regular" clothes were still maternity anyway and those still work too, just wish I had a little more variety. We have had quite a few ultrasounds already and more are coming on the 18th. I will try to post one here of "Blue" as mom calls it. I have only had baby boy dreams with red ginger hair and freckles. The remodelers at baby's auntie's house are having boy dreams and mama just had a boy dream last week. Given all that, it is probably a girl....who knows yet? I found out on Christmas that I am getting a "you're having our baby" shower! How amazing is that? I nearly cried to hear that!
Tonight at work I took some prego magazines down to Marcie (the Mama) who works downstairs from me and her face just lit up as she said "You are starting to show!". She is amazing and so is dad.
Well, I will try to get to the computer more often now that I have a little energy back. So look for new posts in the near future.