Tuesday, July 26, 2011

7-26-11 Hurt Feelings...

The worst feeling in the world is that you are no longer important. Whether it is 9 months later or 19 years, it still hurts like you are dying!

Friday, July 22, 2011

7-22-11 Keep the hand busy and the mind will follow (hopefully)

I have been crocheting and knitting since having the baby on June 19. I have had a hard time all my life with depression and the delivery just put everything so over the top. It would have spilt over anyway, even if I wasn't pregnant. I know now that it wasn't just postpartum depression, though I had all the signs. My regular clinical depression overshadowed everything and I just happen to get sick after delivery: shakes, chills, food aversion, diarrhea, insomnia, crying, and probably some that I have forgotten in the 1 month since delivery. I put it all here because maybe it can help someone else. Though recommended that I not be a surrogate again, I can't help but disagree, surrogacy being something unique that I can do and others can't among other reasons.

So, back to the knitting and crocheting...there is a very talented woman named Christina whose patterns I purchased on Etsy.com and whose store name is "Affordable Wonders". Her patterns are the ones I used to make the items in the photos here. The exception is the "Army cap" and that is my own design that I "MacGuyvered" : ) I have also made other caps, wash cloths, and a blanket too. Hoping that if I kept my hands busy, my mind would be distracted from all of the negative self talk that has become automatic for so long.

Cognitive therapy is what I am doing now. It is different from all the past therapies in that I am learning that I can talk back to my negative self talk and that I can learn to be positive and that exercise is crucial to my getting better (though I still feel guilty about not doing it every day). Dr. A. says that walking 3 times a week is great.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

7-5-11 So many tears

I had baby Dylan on June 19. It was a pretty fast labor and delivery. Only about 5 pushes and a great epidural. One thing that I have learned in the days/weeks since is that you can't plan everything. Even the best made plans are sometimes not enough. I knew I would have post partum depression. I have clinical depression that was reaching it's height before I even got pregnant! This was terrible. I would have done better with someone to stay with me for at least a week (2 would have been better).
The 2nd day after delivery I came home. I cried off and on that day while we were getting discharged. I had used up a whole box of Puff Plus in 2 days and was well into the second box. I came home and cried. I couldn't do much else. Brianna took me to get my prescriptions filled and I had to wear my sunglasses inside. My eyes were a mess! I had the shakes. Then I would get the chills. I had diarrhea for 14 days straight. I still have no appetite. I can drink things but that is about it. The thought of eating makes me sick. I had lost 30 lbs in 9 days and since then in the past 7 I have lost 6 more. I have decided not to complain about the loss of appetite anymore because it is a welcome change from eating my feelings.
I still cry almost daily. Who knows what will set me off. I am having anxiety now too about going back to work. That can't be good. I don't know if my depression is causing me to hate my job or if it is something else. The negative talk that I am really good at, has done too much damage and now I have to learn how to think rationally and positively. I am reading a cognitive therapy book called "The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. It makes a lot of sense though it reads like a textbook sometimes. My new therapist recommended it. I just have to put it all into practice in the 4 weeks I have left of FMLA. Only 6 weeks is allowed if you don't have a baby to bond with!
There are no maternal feelings towards the baby. I am just so incredibly lonely! That is the difficult thing to change. I don't have much to do right now and work nights when I go back. Most of my "friends" have their own families and babies and not a lot of time left over for me. My therapist is saying I should be in a relationship. I just can't imagine it right now! I have so much work to do it seems to get myself back mentally and physically. I don't think it is a fair burden to ask someone else to take on right now.
Knitting and crochet is helping a bit. I have found/purchased some really cute patterns on etsy.com. I am just about finished with a Mickey mouse set for a baby boy. I have made another long tail hat too and still need to finish a blanket and another earflap hat for the same baby. I have even worked a little on a project for me. I call it a pinafore or apron as it is meant to be worn over a t-shirt and looks like an apron to me. Should be really cute when finished in purples. I may have to rip some of it out but I am sure the end product will be super cute. I am going to make more of an effort to get some things made and put them on Etsy for sale. Hopefully I can make some money on something else I am good at. It has been recommended no more surrogacies for me. I am hesitant to commit to that....